25-34 : Rany Nails It

I don't think the season is lost, because I never realistically thought the Royals would win the division this year. That said, it was nice to be competitive and in the hunt early in the season, and it would be nice if the team wasn't comically bad every year.

I think Rany nails it in his post below. I would say that I am still positive for this team to stay within shouting distance of .500, because the starting pitching is solid and getting Gordon and Aviles healthy and in the line up should help the offense and the defense quite a bit.

clipped from www.ranyontheroyals.com The Five Stages of Being a Royals Fan, Using Only Blog Quotes.

Old Men in Liquor Ads

Seth Stevenson at Slate has a nice review of the Dos Equis ads that are finally getting national attention. I've highlighted what I think is the key to these ads below, namely that the spokesperson capitalizes on his dimensionality by admitting he doesn't always drink beer.

What I find more interesting is that older men seem to be making a comeback in the branding department. Stevenson references another review he did on the Crown Royal campaign which features young guys learning from old guys.

There's no TV campaign yet, but Canadian Club has also been touting the virtues of experience with a print campaign using the tagline "Damn Right Your Dad Drank It."

It seems that being mature has it's merits when trying to convince young consumers (and make no mistake, these ads are all targeted at the twenty-something crowd) to move away from the comfortable, cheap tastes of Bud Light and well whiskey.

It's nice to see that Dad still has some respect in the world today.

clipped from www.slate.com Perhaps the most interesting thing about the most interesting man, in marketing terms, is his ambivalence toward the advertised product. "I don't always drink beer," he says. Whaa? "But when I do," he adds, almost offhandedly, "I prefer Dos Equis." Double whaa? Generally, a brand icon will be an all-out cheerleader. Imagine Tony the Tiger admitting that he doesn't always eat cereal for breakfast, but that when he does, he tends to eat Frosted Flakes, like, most of the time. Doesn't have quite the same impact as "They're Grrrrrrreat!"

21-18 : Be Gone Ye Demons

I'll just quote Ryan Lefebvre here:

"One year ago today, there was an enormous ovation for the home team. But, it was for Jon Lester's no-hitter at Fenway park. Tonight, it's for the Royals after a four run bottom of the ninth inning. ... So, what's the difference between this year and last year? There you go."

The camera was panning across the jumbo-tron showing the words "Royals Win!"

That no-no last year started a twelve-game losing streak for a Royals team that had crawled to one game below .500. This year is different.

You can go to the game recap from Bob Dutton at the Star below.

clipped from www.kansascity.com What a night! Royals storm back in ninth for 6-5 win over Indians By BOB DUTTON The Kansas City Star

Prospectus Idol Submission - Vlad vs. Russ

A few weeks ago, I submitted a story to Baseball Prospectus to enter a contest they are having to find new writing talent. They have since posted the ten finalists, and as I am not one of them, I am assuming it is okay to post my submission here.

You can check out the finalists for the Prospectus Idol contest here.

-----------------------------------
To whom it may concern:

Below is my submission for the BP Idol contest. My goal in life was never to be a baseball writer, but I have found myself spending more and more of the free time I have writing about baseball. I feel that I am a very good writer, and I currently spend my days working in advertising, crafting well-reasoned emails to my superiors and doing my best to convince people they should buy things they do not need. I was going to include a photo of myself wearing a Royals hat, because that is my team, but I felt the picture of me with a stuffed octopus on my head probably gives you a better idea of who I really am.

You can learn much more at hgmiller.com.

Your consideration is appreciated.

Sincerely,
H.G. Miller

The idea is for a weekly column that focuses on a long at-bat, using the sequence of foul balls and pitch changes to dissect the match up, the teams, or any other interesting and funny facts.

Vlad the Impaler vs. Some Guy Named Russ

Casey: We usually just show the pitch that puts the ball into play.
Jeremy: But then you miss the battle.
Casey: The battle?
Jeremy: He started him off with a fastball up and in, then slider away, slider away, comes back with a split finger change, drops the curve off the table, sets him up off speed, then... jams him high and tight, that's what got him out.
Casey: It was a ground ball to the shortstop.
Jeremy: The inevitable conclusion to a job well done.

-Sports Night, "The Apology" -

This week's epic battle took place at Angels Stadium where the Oakland Athletics took on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The season is young, but everyone knows that inter-division wins are worth twice as much in the standings. Maybe more if John Kruk is doing the math.

In the bottom of the seventh inning, designated hitter Vladimir Guerrero faced off against right-hander Russ Springer. The Angels were winning 4-0. It would be an epic battle.

Pitch #1: Ball

Springer starts Guerrero off with a slider down and away. It's the kind of pitch that even a free swinger like Vlad won't go after this early in an at bat. Although, there is a slight chance he doesn't know the at bat has started. With the extended Spring Training this year and the dry air in Anaheim, Vlady may not even know the season has started yet.

Pitch #2: Strike Swinging

A 90 mph heater on the outside edge of the plate. Guerrero can't catch up to it and Springer evens the count. Things are looking up for the wily right-hander.

On the surface, it certainly doesn't seem like a fair fight. Russ Springer epitomizes the average relief pitcher. After 800 innings of major league action, his ERA+ sits at 97. Guerrerro has swatted at flies with better credentials than this.

Pitch #3: Foul Tip

Another slider down and away and Guerrero nicks it. He's mad at himself for swinging at the pitch. Over the course of his career, the Dominican slugger only sees 3.24 pitches per plate appearance, so there's a high likelihood that the next pitch will be the last of this at bat.

Pitch #4: Ball

Another slider way outside and Guerrero let's it go. Springer tried to stretch the strike zone and got too greedy. He's been tasked with striking out one of the premier power hitters in the game, and he should have known that it wouldn't be easy. Nothing ever is.

Drafted by the Yankees, Springer surely had visions of wearing pinstripes and entering the hall of fame. 17 seasons and 8 teams later, those dreams have faded and now he's forced to hang on at the fringes, moving from contract to contract, amassing millions of dollars as an anonymous middle-inning relief pitcher.

Pitch #5: Foul

Fastball, on the upper outside corner. The count stays at 2-2. The storm clouds are gathering as this lengthy at bat is just getting started.

Usually, its some pesky second-stringer who barely made the 25 man roster that will keep flicking pitches into the stands, but it appears Guerrero is finally awake and motivated. The fans paid good money for their seats. He's ready to put on a show.

Pitch #6: Foul

Springer tries to move the ball a little further off the plate and Guerrero still gets some wood on it. He may be a free swinger, but the man's got some plate coverage. Russ is about to learn, it's not easy to just blow one by the younger Guerrero brother.

Pitch #7: Foul

A nasty cutter on the outside of the plate and Guerrero sticks with it. This is a new pitch. Still on the outside, though. He knows this guy won't try to throw something inside to him. He may be older, but he can still crush an inside fastball. It's a skill his older brother could have used in his professional career.

Wilton Guerrero is without a team this year and his career is probably over. Vlad keeps on swinging.

Wilton - 282/308/369 in 678 games.
Vlady - 323/389/574 in 1757 games.

Genetics can be a funny thing.

Pitch #8: Foul

Another fastball on the upper corner. Guerrero is getting frustrated. Springer is getting tired. He averages well over 4 pitches per plate appearance in his career, but it's early in the season and he doesn't want to get worn out.

Springer is forty this year. He and Guerrero are old men in this league. Now that steroids are out of baseball, they have nothing but BENGAY and old stories to keep them going day after day.

Pitch #9: Ball

Springer tries to stretch the strike zone again and fails. His frustration is building on the mound. He can hear the announcers in his head: "The two can go no further."

If there is one thing announcers love, it's a long at bat. Foul ball after foul ball creating tension and providing enough time to get in useless biographical information about each player. The announcers get to keep talking and the research staff gets to demonstrate just how hard they worked the night before preparing for the game.

Somebody would pull out some nugget about how Springer has faced only one batter in a game 52 times in his career. It would mean nothing.

The crowd noise is growing. Springer bears down.

Pitch #10: Foul

Outside fastball fouled away.

Guererro steps outside of the box to collect his thoughts. He digs into his memory for past experiences against this pitcher. He can't remember if this is Russ Springer or Dennis Springer.

He hit a home run off of Dennis Springer back in 1999 when he was with the Expos. He wonders why they don't ever play the Expos anymore and then remembers that he's in the American League now. Wait, that's not it.

Anyway, after he tied up the game with the homer, some guy (Anthony Telford) blew it in the bottom half of the inning. He remembers the coaches being very sad.

Pitch #11: Foul

Outside fastball fouled away. Springer won't give in and Guerrerro won't give up. He's faced Guerrero four times in his career and given up two hits. The crowd cheers louder. They want another hit from their hero.

Russ Springer will not allow it. Not this time. Not tonight.

Pitch #12: Swinging Strike

A high fastball finally does him in. It's over the middle of the plate, but almost to Vlady's eyes. He can't lay off. He chases it, twists in the wind and catches only air.

Springer doesn't celebrate. He's a veteran who just did his job. Inside, he's smiling though. He loves how the crowd noise quiets as their hero is vanquished. He knows they will fight another day.

Why I Don't Like Taking Out the Trash

I don't generally introduce myself to people by throwing chunks of broken glass at them. But, you know, sometimes it happens.

Of course, like most stories of violence between neighbors, it all began at Trader Joe's grocery store.

You see, in addition to overpriced fish and stoned worker drones, TJ's also has this delicious orange-carrot-omega-something-or-other drink that is quite delicious. Basically, the orange juice overpowers the carrot and fish oil elements so it's good for you without tasting like the ground.

Ever since my doctor told me that I have enough cholesterol in my system to grease the Alaskan pipeline, I've tried to find products such as this to help me keep on keepin' on.

Another item on hand at the store are these trash bags that are made out of the thinnest material a product could be made out of without technically being air.

Now, this isn't some space-aged polymer that is ten times stronger than your average trash bag. It's more like the cheapest possible way a company could make a trash bag and still put a 1-800 customer service number on the packaging.

The combination of the OJ bottle and the crummy trash sack would be the catalyst to more mayhem than I was prepared for on a quiet Sunday morning.

Like most men, I don't take the trash out until it can no longer be compressed into the can without the use of industrial hydraulics. Today was the day. The struggle to pull the bag out of the can left me a little parched, so I opened the fridge and drank the last of my favorite orange-juice and fish-parts drink.

Having just freed the trash bag from the confines of the trash can, I quickly decided to utilize the new-found space inside the bag to cram in the glass bottle. This would prove to be unwise.

It was generally an uneventful trip to the trash bins behind my building. The stray cat we've named Bert scrambled away as soon as he saw that I wasn't my kinder wife. The faint smell of cannabis wafted over from the neighbor's back yard. And the seam of my almost-air trash bag decided to split about twelve inches from the lid of the bin where I was attempting to deposit it.

There's really no good way to spill a bag full of trash across your patio, but I'm certain that hoisting the trash over your head and THEN spilling it is not the most-preferred way to perform this action.

After taking a moment to decide which words were the correct level of profane to express my dissatisfaction with the preceding event, I began to evaluate the situation.

Aside from having most of last night's meal deposited down my shirt, it seemed the worst of it was picking up random packing materials and dumping them into the trash bin. Then, I heard the tinkling sound. The juice bottle had exploded into a few thousand pieces.

For a moment, I thought about leaving the mess for someone else to deal with, but then I remembered I'm not a total asshole. So, I traipsed back inside to grab a broom and pan.

The thing about glass on uneven pavement is that it doesn't really want to move in the direction you sweep it, a fact I discovered the hard way.

A quick flick of the broom sent shards of glass spraying in several directions, including through the fence between our patio and the neighbor's, where it promptly landed on his chest and in his ashtray.

"DUDE!" the shout came only slightly faster than the person. For a pothead, he sure moved fast.

"What in the hell are you doing?" He asked, which I felt was reasonable. "And, why do you smell like Top Ramen?"

That last dig was a little unnecessary, I thought. Sure, my experimental pasta, mushroom and teriyaki dish hadn't gone over so well with my wife the night before, but the important part was that I was trying. I told myself that the neighbor didn't know the entire back story, but I was still a little hurt.

As I am not a violent person, and he was obviously missing his weed, the standoff didn't last long. I apologized profusely, he went back to his joint and I continued to clean up the glass residue in a more controlled manner.

I leaned over the fence when I was finished and let the neighbor know that I had accomplished the rest of the task without flinging any more razor sharp shards his way, but his only response was a terse "whatever."

I like a little more resolution in my life, but it appeared we would not be communicating much more after this incident than we did before, so I decided to move on and express my displeasure to the trash bag company by calling their customer service number and seeing if a little guilt trip would get me a free pack of their crappy bags.

I'm using the time on hold to go to the store and get some more juice.

Killer Karaoke

People make a lot of mistakes in life. Don't take offense, you know you do.

I'll be honest. I've made my fair share of bad decisions, but I don't think this precludes me from making judgments of others. When I see problems, I try to correct them. Sort of like a real-time Scot Bakula keeping the world on track so I can move on to my next destination and hopefully, someday, maybe make it home.

I digress.

The other night, some friends and I were celebrating at a karaoke bar in the back of a bowling alley. It was your typical American Idol wannabe showcase, with plenty of terrible singing and poor song choices taking center stage.

Nothing was so bad that it compelled me to take action, until a duo took the stage reeking of tequila and nachos, holding onto each other to stay standing, mouthing their microphones like they were long lost lovers, back from a horrible ordeal across the ocean.

The music started and my mind began to churn. What could I do to prevent this tragedy from happening? Should I pull the plug of the karaoke machine? Maybe I could tackle the two lovebirds before they could butcher the melody? Where was Sam when I needed him?

I hesitated. And then, something amazing happened. They started to belt out the lyrics and I was mesmerized.

Make no mistake, they were not good. Far from it. It may have been the most terrible rendition of this particular song ever performed, but that's what made it so magical.

You see, bad to awesome isn't a scale, as many commonly believe. It's actually a circle. Something can actually be so bad that it becomes awesome.

My favorite example is the movie 3000 Miles to Graceland, but if you don't have three hours to kill, a poorly performed duet of the Starship classic "We Built This City" will accomplish the same thing.

The trick -- and these two drunks nailed it -- is to skip over the verses and just belt out the chorus with wild abandon.

Too quickly, they were gone from my life, stumbling off the stage and into some dark corner to do things that would horrify most sensitive souls.

I was left humming a tune and knowing that this night was definitely no mistake.

The Onion Infiltrates Legitimate News

I understand the need for news sites to generate traffic and clicks in order to pay the bills, but it's getting a little ridiculous. The headline below could have come straight from The Onion.

I mean, is any piece of this story real news? I'm sure the porn star is considering a Senate run, but I highly doubt the electorate will consider her.

clipped from www.cnn.com Porn star seriously considering Senate run

8-7 : Greinke Takes the Mound

A nice bit about Zack's scoreless inning streak from The Hardball Times. It shows just how important having strike out pitchers is. Greinke has given up some hard-hit balls, but his ability to miss bats means those base runners don't end up getting very far.

We'll see if he can keep the streak alive tonight against the Tigers.

clipped from www.hardballtimes.com When looking at line drive rate, Greinke trails only Cliff Lee (35 percent) in the American League. Hitters are getting good wood on the ball, and as we would expect, most of those line drives appear to be falling for hits. So how has Greinke been so successful? First, he’s not allowing too many balls to be put into play to begin with. For the year, he’s faced 80 batters and with 26 strikeouts, five walks and one hit batter, just 60 percent of all hitters have made the defense work behind him. Then, once hitters reach base, Greinke is really bearing down. In 38 plate appearances with runners on, Greinke has allowed only four hits—a .111 batting average. Five times, runners have been on third base with fewer than two outs. In those rare occasions, with his opponents needing only a fly ball to plate a run, Greinke has been dominant, striking out four of the five hitters and inducing a weak ground ball to third from the other.

Tony Gonzalez Traded

This makes me sad.

It makes me sad because Gonzalez will still be a productive player in the NFL and is a known quantity compared to a draft pick.

It makes me more sad because he's the last guy left who I really connect to as a fan of the Chiefs. Matt Cassel and Dwayne Bowe may be Montana and Rice for the next five years, but Tony, Trent and Priest were the guys I spent most of my time rooting for over the last ten years.

It has been hard to follow the Chiefs since Vermeil left, and I suppose a complete shake-up is called for, but it will be hard to let this one go. I will be a fan of the Atlana Falcons this year. Until they play the Chiefs.

As Seinfeld said, in the end, we just root for laundry.

clipped from www.kansascity.com Chiefs tight end Tony Gonzalez has never won a playoff game, and he has made his wishes clear that he wanted to play for a team that could contend for a championship. Gonzalez got what he wanted on Thursday as the Chiefs worked out a deal with the Falcons. But general manager Scott Pioli said the Chiefs weren’t shopping their 10-time Pro Bowler.

7-5 : The Smart Guy is Back

Since manager Trey Hillman seems to have no intellectual ability when it comes to managing a bullpen, the Royals have brought up right-handed pitcher Brian Bannister to help with in-game decision making.

Oh, and he'll start on Wednesday against the Indians.

Bannister had a rough go of it in 2008, when the league talent caught up with his smarts. Here's hoping that a refresher course in AAA has given him some new tricks to try out on the big kids.

clipped from www.kansascity.com Bannister, 28, was 9-16 with a 5.76 ERA last season in 32 starts and lost his job in the rotation by continuing to pitch poorly in spring training. He struggled in his first start at Omaha but pitched seven shutout innings April 14 at Round Rock.